Finding Balance on New Year's Eve

Since I proclaimed 2011 to be the Year of Balance I found it fitting that I went kayaking this morning on the Oakland Estuary. It was a peaceful reminder of how much balance I have found in 2011.

Balance of life-work
Balance of body in yoga
Balance of breath in pranayama
Balance on the water
Balance in trusting my intuition
Balance in teaching and learning
Balance in loving who I am and loving others
Balance in sharing experiences with friends, family and on my own

My intention is to carry forward this balance as I welcome 2012, The Year of Being Present.

Filling in the Blanks in Memory Lane

This evening I'm in a town in which I lived four lifetimes ago. As Ij drive down each street it is like a painting that has faded, being filled in with renewed details and colors. Unexpectedly, the emotions are flooding back too.

Driving past my old apartment I had to stop and catch my breath. My life was so different then. I lived so poor and had no vision for the future. It was a sad time. My life is so much more illuminated now. Thankfully I am fearless about change. Otherwise, what and who would I now be if I continued living that life, or the subsequent others?

Santa Arrived!

New yoga props and kayaking gear. Let the fun begin!

Yoga Mats on a Line

My fellow yogi Lisa and I are washing yoga mats this afternoon and here they are drying on a clothes line. We're having fun in this secret Oakland yard of a Victorian filled with gardens, ceramics and a beautiful black cat. Feels like I'm back on Ithaca.

Ants on an Anthill

That's what our group looks like in this photo from today's Bolinas hike.

Hiking in Bolinas

The Year of Being Present

Since 2009 I have set an intention for each year. First it was The Year of Amy, then in 2010 it was The Year of Living My Dreams and this year has been The Year of Balance. For 2012 my intention is The Year of Being Present.

Being Present means using my senses. My default is to think about the past and future, building fantasies. This is essential to who I am because I am a creator, imaginer, facilitator, and teacher. However, my intention for 2012 is to stay grounded in the present by using my senses and experiencing what is happening in the moment. At the same time, I will tap into my strong intuition to Be Present in how each sense contributes to my Being. My habit has been to be lost in ideas, not sensing how I am being impacted in the present, ultimately missing the moment.

Examples of using my senses include:

• Seeing others and knowing that I am being seen. It has taken me 42.10 years to realize that I think that people do not see me and that I am cautious about making eye contact. 
• Hearing and knowing that I am being heard. Speaking deliberately, clearly, thoughtfully, and allowing time and space for others to do the same - students, friends, family, and even strangers. 
• Touching and allowing myself to be touched. For example, when a friend reaches out to tap my forearm to make a point or get my attention. I've started leaning into these touches instead of instinctively pulling away.
• Tasting and savoring what I eat. This is an inspiration from my sister's blog post: Eating in Sacredness. Slow down, enjoy and honor what I taste and smell. 
• Feeling and recognizing emotions. Sometimes my emotions can be overwhelming or confusing; Being Present with what I am experiencing and honoring those emotions is my intent. The same is true with others' emotions. I do not have to fix them or take them on, just allow the other person to know that I see them, hear them, respect them, and perhaps I can even reach out and touch them. 
• Slowing down. I think fast, move fast, act fast, and respond quickly. I wear these actions like a Badge of Honor for Cleverness. This is the perfect ingredient for being wrapped up in me with no room for seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, or feeling what is happening now. As another of my inspired yoga instructors, Vickie Russell Bell, says "Notice, what is happening now?"

My sister's blog post, Eating in Sacredness, has a wonderful statement about my niece Being Present. "Chetana makes the sign for "butterfly" when she sees a beautiful painting for the first time or when she points excitedly in the store at a book on the shelf and says "boon boon" having recognized a-just-like-home copy of "Goodnight Moon," or stands up in her bed first thing in the morning making kissing sounds to let us know she's awake...well, life is full of beautiful details."

How am I going to practice Being Present? In my Advanced Yoga Studies program we learned a 12 breaths exercise to prepare for Pranayama. It sounds deceptively simple, you pause, take 12 natural breaths in and out, and just observe without altering your breathing. This is harder than you can imagine and the result is that the observation of these 12 breaths grounds you in the moment. 

Winter Solstice

How ironic that last night at my cousin Diana's Chanukah party we were talking about the winter solstice and today I find myself, completely unexpectedly, at a meridian calendar. To arrive here i had to first show up to do my cleaning of the yoga studio and a find a class in session. So, I ventured out the Berkeley Marina for a walk. I took a path I never before explored, up a little hill to view the Bay, and here I find myself at a meridian calendar. This is exactly what I need to prompt me to look forward as I was becoming a bit sad about the past.

View From School

I love that our school is located on Market at 7th. One last day of school meetings and then the stay-cation begins. Notice the linearity of the shadows from both the pedestrians and the cars in this sunrise photo.

Svadhyaya: Self and Study

Tonight in our final Standing Poses class session, of the yoga Advanced Studies Program, Gay White read portions of our papers out loud as we were in restorative poses. This was a wonderful way to listen and absorb the ideas of our classmates and to reflect on our own writings. Here is my paper.

Svadhyaya is the Niyama I am selecting to explore in relation to the Standing Poses class because it reflects my intention for participating in the Advanced Yoga Studies program. Through the practice of yoga it is my goal to develop a deeper understanding of both myself and of my community. According to B.K.S Iyengar, the meaning of Svadhyaya means self and study or education.

A statement Iyengar makes that resonates with me is, “When people meet for svadhyaya, the speaker and listener are of one mind and have mutual love and respect.” I take this to have two meanings. The first is that you are both teacher and student when learning about yourself. The second is that when you are learning from another, or providing instruction, you should have compassion for the other, and for yourself. This becomes a conversation that can at times be spoken instruction and other times a silent exploration of self.

This dynamic internal and external dialogue has taken place for me in this course because of the challenges of the poses and learning Sanskrit. Standing poses are some of the most difficult because they involve balance, often while rotating. This becomes a mind game at times, where you are both teacher and student, talking yourself into, and sometimes out of, being able to move into a pose.

The benefit of taking this class with a group of people and being instructed, is that we are creating a community of practice. The learning process is highly supported, allowing us to find balance both in our poses and in our student/teacher internal/external dialogues. We are here to support each other in finding balance.

I believe it is essential for us to struggle through the learning of both poses and Sanskrit. Adopting these new movement and language vocabularies are almost a right of passage that must be explored in order to advance our understanding of the Asanas, as well as understanding ourselves. It is not a simple journey.

As Iyengar states, “Philology is not a language but the science of languages…Yoga is not a religion by itself. It is the science of religions, the study of which will enable sadhaka the better to appreciate his own faith.” As students we are on that same journey in the Advanced Studies Program. We are following the path of learning and adopting new movements, new understanding and new languages. At the same time we are teaching and supporting each other as we build our community of practice.

Through this Standing Poses course I have found new understanding of myself. My strength has increased, my understanding of Yoga has improved, and my faith in my teaching and learning has developed. Instead of pushing away from a challenge, I embrace it and look to my peers and my instructor for deeper meaning. It is this combination of being student and teacher that allows me to understand how much there is to learn.

Bush Yoga

I am studying for my Sanskrit standing poses test tomorrow and through my research found this very amusing website that has a plastic doll of former President George W. Bush practicing yoga in full fatigues. Here he is in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana - Extended Hand and Big Toe Pose.

Vacation Irony

The glory of it, nearly three weeks of stay-cation and what do I get in the mail? Jury duty notification for January 3. Well, at least I don't have to change any travel plans. Let's hope the court lets me work on my syllabi while sitting in the juror waiting area.

Have you married, dated or worked for a Gaslighter?

The following article A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not Crazy, by Yashar Ali, is copied from Huff Post Women. In it Ali explores the concept of Gasighting - being manipulated to think that you are crazy for reacting to inappropriate behavior. I am learning how to recognize these interactions and am no longer tolerating them. This is hard work, but necessary. I'll be honest, I've had women and certainly students implement these hurtful tactics, likely I have also been a Gaslighter on occasion. I pledge to do it no more.

***

You're so sensitive. You're so emotional. You're defensive. You're overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You're crazy! I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humor? You're so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you're a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it's not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling -- that's inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, "Calm down, you're overreacting," after you just addressed someone else's bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It's patently false and unfair.

I think it's time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation, and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman's husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman's character reacts to it, he tells her she's just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim's perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, it's usually because the perpetrator says things like, "You're so stupid," or "No one will ever want you," to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer's character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman's character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting I'm addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction -- whether it's anger, frustration, sadness -- in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren't rational or normal.
My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, "You're so sensitive. I'm just joking."

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, "Can't you do something right?" or "Why did I hire you?" are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn't know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, "It doesn't help me when you say these things," she gets the same reaction: "Relax; you're overreacting."

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it's exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, "You're so sensitive," to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn't a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It's a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don't refuse our burdens as easily. It's the ultimate cowardice.
 
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can't tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can't tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: "You're late :)"

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don't belong in, who don't follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as "crazy" has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, "Oh, about how crazy we are?"
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don't think this idea that women are "crazy," is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as "crazy."

I recognize that I've been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends--surprise, surprise). It's shameful, but I'm glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It's about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, "The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."
So for many of us, it's first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn't the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women's opinions don't hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn't quite as legitimate?

This piece originally appeared on The Current Conscience.

 

Follow Yashar Ali on Twitter: www.twitter.com/yashar

The End of Marriage?

NPR states that, "When it Comes to Marriage, May Say, 'I don't'" in this radio podcast which shares the findings of a Pew report. "Half a century ago, nearly 60 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds were married. Today, it's just 20 percent. But the Pew report finds fewer married people across all age groups. In their place: more singles, single parents, couples living together — many having children without marrying. In fact, some 40 percent of all U.S. births are now to unmarried mothers. But the driving force in the dropping marriage rate? People who do tie the knot are waiting longer than ever."

"The Pew report finds the median age when people finally walk down the aisle is at an all-time high — 26 for women and nearly 29 for men. And it's higher still for the college educated. On the other hand, for those who do marry, there's an upside to waiting, at least for women. Coontz says for every year a woman delays marriage — into her early 30s — she reduces her risk of divorce."

I'm constantly pondering this question and it feels good to know that I am not alone in questioning the longevity of marriage, especially for GenXers.

Incognito in San Francisco

TED Talk on Gratitude by Louie Schwartzberg

Back in Oakland

I'm always so happy to return to my apartment filled with all things Amy.

Snow in Denver

But I can only see it from the airport terminal window. My first snow of the season.

Hottest Guys on the London Tube

The New York Times pointed me to this fantastic blog called TubeCrush which has photos of hot guys who are riding the London Tube. The photos are secretly snapped and posted by women. Bring this to BART!

This is What I Really Look Like

Mandeep took this photo of me after I had a momentary meltdown seeing a photo of me that made me look 50. Hello, I am still 42 for three more months.

Arrived in DC

After a very productive and fun set of meetings in Atlanta. Met some amazing colleagues and feel inspired.

Self-Portrait Atlanta

Me in the hotel lobby waiting for my aunt and uncle to meet in Atlanta.

Off to Atlanta

For a school task force meeting to set the curriculum for our bachelors degree in Advertising. Plus, a short visit with family.

Pop-up Stores in Oldtown Oakland a Brilliant Idea - reprinted from The Bay Citize

By CATHERINE TRAYWICK, OAKLAND NORTH |November 28, 2011 11:06 a.m

You’re familiar with the idea: seasonal retail shops that suddenly materialize in once-vacant storefronts to sell Halloween costumes in October. Christmas trees in December. Remaindered calendars come January. More recently, big box shops have pounced on the idea of flash retail as well; to promote its Rodarte clothing line a couple of years ago, Target launched Target to Go—mini-shops in carefully selected locations that opened and closed within three days. Google is cashing in on the trend, too—opening temporary retail spaces in airports this fall to hand-sell its new cloud computing laptop.

Now in Oakland, restaurateur Alfonso Dominguez and urban planner Sarah Filley are taking the pop-up concept to a new level. In December, they’re opening a pop-up neighborhood: three downtown blocks of temporary retail shops that showcase local designers, artists and goods.

The six participating stores—which range from clothing and crafts to bicycles and art—will occupy currently vacant spaces for six months, rent free, and try to turn a profit. If they succeed, they’ll sign a long-term lease with the building, which spans four city blocks of the Old Oakland district downtown; and what began as an experiment becomes a bonafide shopping district. That’s the idea, anyway.

Dominguez and Filley are calling the venture “popuphood.”

“The central idea is to use the rapid startup of a popup, but instead of doing one store here and there, we want to actually nurture small businesses and cultivate a critical mass,” said Filley. “A thriving retail district, basically.”

A designer named Douglas Burnham did something similar in San Francisco, opening a cluster of restaurants and retail shops inside 26 modified shipping containers arranged on an empty lot in Hayes Valley. But the difference, according to Dominguez and Filley, is that popuphood is a long-term plan for neighborhood revitalization, while Burnham’s project was meant to be fleeting.

The stores will share a building with one of Dominguez’s other ventures, a restaurant and tequila bar called Tamarindo, on 8^th Street and Broadway, not too far from a taqueria he owns. So he, admittedly, has a vested interest in bolstering the neighborhood’s profile and economic outlook.

After watching store after store shutter windows and close up when the economy took a downturn in 2008, Dominguez worried that the vacant storefronts would never fill up.

“People were too scared to open retail,” he said.  “And they saw me being the only one here. It was really hard.”

Then he had an idea: What if a group of like-minded business owners banded together to fill the empty spaces, cooperatively market their stores, and together mitigate the risks of starting up a new business?

Inspired, he teamed up with Filley, a friend with experience in urban planning and public art innovation, who helped him put together a business proposal to present to the city’s redevelopment agency and the owners of the building, Peter Sullivan Associates.

“It happened really fast,” Dominguez said. “We were a little like, ‘Whoa, can we pull this off?’”

Within a matter of months, they had secured permits and a marketing grant from the city of Oakland, and worked out an arrangement with the owners, who were happy to donate the space.

“Many of these spaces have been vacant for a year or more,” Filley said. “So for (the property owners), it’s no risk. And the tenants are offering to improve the spaces, and make it work for them.”

Three of the shops—Marion & Rose’s Workshop, Manifesto Bicycles and Sticks + Stones—will open early to host holiday sales for “Plaid Friday,” an indie alternative to Black Friday.

But the grand opening of all six—one of which, a furniture shop, will be housed inside a repurposed shipping container in the parking lot behind the building—is December 9. Dominguez and Filley are hosting a block party from 12pm to 9pm, on 9^th Street, in collaboration with neighboring businesses and restaurants, including Trappist bar and B restaurant.

Besides introducing Oaklanders to the stores, they’re hoping the block party will reacquaint residents with the charm of Old Oakland: the Victorian architecture, mature trees and brick-lined walkways.

“It’s historic and it’s gorgeous,” Filley said. “It also has highest transit and walk scores in the city of Oakland, and there’s a free shuttle that goes from the ferry all the way to the arts district. Its really a big head scratcher as to why this neighborhood hasn’t taken off already.”

Brian Kendall, an urban economic analyst with Oakland’s redevelopment agency, helped Dominguez and Filley secure city funding for the project, from façade improvement grants to marketing money for the grand opening.

“It’s definitely an experiment and I will be really curious to see where it goes,” Kendall said of the venture “it exposes these areas to the possibility of what could be. What does Old Oakland want to be?”

He argues that Popuphood, like Oaklandish and Awaken Café, may bring the “cool factor” to downtown Oakland, which was once dominated by “mom and pop” shops and vacant space, he said.

To say the least, the shops Dominguez and Filley “curated” for popuphood are eclectic and hip: Manifesto sells custom fixed gears. Piper & John General Goods offers vintage clothing, jewelry and “reclaimed” décor. Crown 9 is an artisanal jewelry store. Sticks and Stones art gallery will open an accompanying retail shop. And in a shipping container behind the building, you’ll find Turtle & Hare, an design-and-build furniture shop.

But apart from its trendy offerings, Kendall said Popuphood’s greatest strength will be its founders’ ability to market the project, set themselves apart from other area businesses and reach people who wouldn’t normally go downtown to shop.

“People will travel for restaurants and bars,” Kendall said. “But people aren’t necessarily going to travel for shoes.”

But Filley is optimistic.

“The restaurants and bars around here are fantastic and have a following, so the only thing missing in this neighborhood is retail,” she said. Clustering shops, restaurants and bars can benefit everyone involved, she added.

“Knowing that you have other neighbors that are doing it with you, that can bring marketing and foot traffic and followers was really the tipping point for a lot of them,” Filley said of the other business owners. “To know that you can pool your resources together and ask ‘Where do you get your sign made? How do you use Iphone commerce?’…That’s valuable.”

Source: The Bay Citizen (http://s.tt/14jLc)

Sing Along Sound of Music

At the Castro Theatre with Hisun and enjoying the Wurlitzer!

Scariest Street in San Francisco

I unfortunately just walked down Jessie Street between 5th and 6th in San Francisco at 10pm. Since I am friendly and foolishly fearless, I asked some very scary folks for directions to the dance club at which I am meeting my friend Lynn. Thankfully these folks were very friendly and I was personally escorted by one man. As we walked down the very active alley he told me not to worry because the worst I would see is people smoking crack. As we chit-chatted during our journey one lively character said I was a hot one. Suddenly I realized that I could be on the way to a very unhappy ending. Thankfully, my escort brought me to the club door and I gave him a tip. Unfortunately, they would not let me into the club until Lynn arrives since her name is on the VIP list and she could be bringing someone else. They then turned away from me as if I were dirt. That was pretty crappy after my escort had demanded that I get special treatment. When they told me I had to wait in the Alley all I could think was that my luck could run out.

So, I am now eating a very expensive dinner at a nearby restaurant as I wait for Lynn. Usually I am in bed at this hour.

Alice's Restaurant

Listening via Skype with my family in CT and me in Oakland.

Grateful for Tomorrow's Leaders

Every night before I go to bed I think about the day and reflect on the "roses" - meaningful interactions with friends, fellow yogis, co-workers, or even strangers. This practice puts a beautiful ending on each day and helps me sleep better. You may notice that in my list of roses, I did not include students. This is because when I leave the classroom I deliberately close the door on thinking about my 100 students. 

However, the first thought I had this morning when I awoke was about the work my students did in yesterday's Executive Leadership class. Their assignment was to create six criteria by which they would determine if someone is a Level 5 leader, defined by Jim Collins, the author of Good to Great, as person "who operates first and foremost with genuine humility." The students were assigned to then use their criteria to evaluate a leader of their choice to determine if in fact this person were a Level 5 leader. When I explained the in-class assignment there were long sighs and rolling of eyes from half the class. The other half of the students moved quickly into groups and immediately started sharing ideas about leaders they wanted to evaluate and the criteria they would use to create their evaluation system. 

As I listened to the working groups and watched how the teams interacted I noticed that the enthusiastic teams were deep in conversation and studiously researching on the Internet. I heard "yes!" and "aha!" as they shared ideas and drew conclusions. At one point a student in a group at the far end of the room said, "should they demonstrate compassion and empathy?" and I sang across the room, "Excellent!"

At the end of class the groups presented their conclusions and I was absolutely blown away by the quality of the work. The students had thoughtfully created evaluation criteria. Then they had either imagined that they were the leader answering their questionnaire or they found quotes by and about the person that allowed the team to rate his or her leadership qualities. 

Some of the teams went further, demonstrating thought leadership and professionalism that I rarely see in people twice their age. I am grateful that these students went beyond the obvious, challenging their assumptions about what makes someone a great leader. It warms my heart to know that in a few years these students will be out in the world making a difference. 

In the November 21, 2011 edition of  The New York Times, the article "A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day" by John Tierney discusses various research studies that indicate gratefulness can improve your spirits and your health. Yesterday's teaching experience has inspired me to add my students to the list of roses on which I will reflect before sleeping each night. My definition of roses is now expanding to gratitude - a reflection on moments from the day for which I am grateful. 

My Favorite Mistake by Ricki Lake

This piece by Ricki Lake, featured in the latest edition of Newsweek, reminds me to love myself first and not try to "find a relationship" for love. Ricki was already at the top of my list of amazing women because of her hard work on Dancing with the Stars where she demonstrates integrity and generosity - clearly an open-hearted woman.  

My Favorite Mistake

Nov 13, 2011 10:00 AM EST

Ricki Lake on falling hard for a jerk she met online.

When I was single two years ago, I decided I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. My friends thought I was crazy for online dating. For somebody famous, it’s weird anyway to meet someone, because they have a preconceived notion of who you are. There was something anonymous that I liked about being online.

I found this narcissist online and started a whirlwind relationship where I was delusional. I was with a guy who was a total user and liar. He was English and considered himself a poet. He was more charismatic than physically beautiful, but I became infatuated with him very quickly. I was out of my mind in some ways. I wanted it so badly. I lost all clarity. I met with an immigration lawyer. I was going to marry him so he could get a green card. I even went to England with him and met his mother.

He was such a bad guy. I was the only one who didn’t see the signs. I found out from my housekeeper that he would be nice to my children in front of my face but would cringe about them behind my back. When we went to dinner, he was notorious for ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. He wanted me to introduce him to my agent. I have been on my own since I was 18, but I was letting this guy tell me what to do.

Ricki Lake., Art Streiber

After six weeks, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I had lost all sense of who I was. I realized it was not working. As soon as I saw the light, it was over. I didn’t cry a tear about this guy. I dumped him. The next day, I caught him with another woman on Facebook. This woman was a friend of a friend, and she had posted a new profile of her cheek to cheek with this guy. I was like, “Oh, my god! He left me and went to the beach with her!” I was in shock.

I was going to make a documentary called Six Weeks of Poor Judgment, but I never did. I learned my own value. It’s not about having someone. It’s about having the right someone. I reached a point where I thought, Look, I need to be my own advocate. Two years later, I’m with the most amazing man who is absolutely right for me. I’m getting married next year. He’s selfless and kind, and he’s not looking to further his career through his lover. I’m with the right person. I had to go through a couple of dirtbags to get to him.

On the Cable Car

I love sometimes being a San Francisco tourist.

Being Generous with Touching

I'm quite shy about people touching me, unless of course I am romantically involved with the person. But now that I'm in the Yoga Advanced Study Program, taking anatomy and standing poses, I am feeling the benefit of touch. A simple placement of your hand on a partner's ribcage can awaken their body to lengthen into a pose or even relax in an area. I'm also starting to wear tighter and fewer clothes to class so that it is easier for my classmates to see my anatomy and help me improve my poses. It is nice not to think about being too fat or lumpy - none of us think that way. We see past the superficial and are noticing alignment and structure.

I feel that this yoga practice requires generosity and I believe that will be my theme for next year. Generosity can be applied to me and how I treat myself and of course how I treat others. This is my intention for 2012.

I Don't Understand Occupy Oakland

According to the SFGate.com article "cops dismantle Occupy Oakland, arrest 32, a protester stated the following:

"If they take over the camp, we're going to reoccupy. Our objective is for them to keep spending money. We are not going to stop."

Whose money does the protester think the city is spending? This is not fat cat money, this is taxpayer money. Every penny the city spends related to the Occupy Oakland protest is money that is not going to maintaining and perhaps improving the city itself. The 99% lose out in this protest if the objective is to spend taxpayers' money in this way.

New Chickens

My friend Leah's new chickens are the perfect experiment in urban farming.

Jim Kweskin at Freight & Salvage

Awesome, once again.

In Honor of 11.11.11

To celebrate the date I had a couple of lovely women over to my place last night for dinner. Rachel brought me her Spinal Tap dolls which are now on loan for dating inspiration. Looks like I will attract a rocking dude into my life with the karma of these three characters.

Spare Change for a Frappuccino?

That's what a homeless man asked me outside the Starbuck's on Market at 9th. He was already holding a frappuccino! Now that's what I call customer loyalty and word-of-mouth marketing.

La Raza Chronicles Radio Archive

If you want to hear me on KPFA's La Raza Chronicles talking about Flyaway Productions' 10 Women Campaign on November 8, visit this link. I'm on at about 35-40 minutes into the show. It was a good broadcast. Too bad the host butchered my name. Then again, I butchered the Spanish language.

Goal for 2012: Learn to speak Spanish!

Inside the KPFA Studio

Getting ready to be on the air at 88.1FM.

Hear Me on La Raza Chronicles Tonight

This evening I will be representing Flyaway Productions on the radio during KPFA's La Raza Chronicles, 7pm at 94.1FM and 89.3FM. Now to learn Spanish in the next twelve hours.

Organized Oakland

We are getting a tour of this ad hoc city. There is a library, infirmary, kitchen, compost area, kids zone and more. I am amazed.

Occupy Oakland

Deanne and I are in downtown Oakland so we checked out the cold, wet scene. Seems peaceful this evening.

Gluten Free Mac and Cheese

I made my first creamy, baked Mac and Cheese with quinoa pasta, basil, butter, masa flour (!), for cheeses and lots of dry vermouth. Plus, turkey bacon. Oh yes, life is good.