This morning I awakened to thoughts of strength and bravery - two of the qualities I valued in the Jake character of the Avatar film. As I thought about the balance of physical and mental strength he developed it became clear that it is out of balance unless paired with bravery. It is one thing to be strong and another to be brave as well - because you can certainly be strong and live in fear.
A willingness to address fears, limitations, mistakes and missteps, to me demonstrates bravery. It is also demonstrated in being able to reach out to others, to go beyond yourself, to embrace relationships, partnerships and community. Strength does not require muscles, although that is one demonstration of being strong. It is also the strength of character, of self and is intermingled with flexibility.
As the quote says, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." So many people live in fear, they make their bodies strong and they close their minds. That to me is like killing yourself. Opening your heart is bravery and to me that is a celebration of life.
Tonight I went to see the film Avatar, not knowing anything about the film. It was absolutely outstanding. So many layers of issues, birth, re-birth, stepping into yourself by stepping into other realities and merging with the great network that is mother nature.
Have you ever woken up in the morning and suddenly you are seeing things differently? That's how I feel this morning. I finally got out of bed, after daydreaming for hours, and my room seemed bigger, the sun brighter and my thoughts clearer. I think this was influenced by the book I read yesterday, "The Last Chinese Chef" by Nicole Mones, the author of "Lost in Translation" which is next on my reading list.
Her book is about a woman, widowed at 40, who travels to China for both work and to settle a personal matter relating to her husband's passing. Through her journey she learns to forgive, let-go and love again. It touched me as I can relate to her situation. Although I am not a widow, the closure of relationships are like letting go of someone who was once close to your heart, but now lost, almost like a death.
This morning I woke up and I felt healed, like my heart was mended so much more. I think this emerging euphoria is coupled with the diminishing spider bite on my face. What a relief to look in the mirror and see me again, instead of a blotchy red face.
Actually, I've been reflecting on this year and how physical it has been for me. For so long I was living in an intellectual space - up in my head. This year I have had so many physical...I'm not sure what to call them...challenges? Opportunities? Wounds? Scabs? Healing? Lots of yoga and then a shoulder injury that has just started healing, my bike wipe-out early in the summer and then a second wipe-out late in the summer. The intense, fast and fleeting relationship I had between the two bike wipe-outs.
I labeled this the year of Research and Development and it has been. I've learned how to fall, get up again, scrape off my bumps and bruises, bandage the cuts, and try again. Necessary scabs and scars have formed on my 40-year-old body that was far too soft and vulnerable for so long. No, I'm not jaded, I'm stronger because of it.
Ironically, the jeans I was wearing in the early summer wipe-out, which were ripped at the knee and symbolized so much, are being repaired today. They fit so wonderfully and I missed wearing them. Yesterday, I bought a patch and brought the jeans to a seamstress in my neighborhood. There were two patches I found that could fit the hole - one said, Vampire and the other Angel. I purchased Angel. When I brought the jeans and the patch to the seamstress she said, "I can repair these back to 80% new, return the patch, you don't need it." I said that I would wait to see how the jeans looked repaired and then decide if Angel should be returned.
Amazing, when you imagine your goals, they actually can come true. As my friend Leah says, you may think that something just happens but it is actually been in development for years. She's correct, I've been working up to all these goals - it just feels like they are happening unexpectedly. Kind of like those "overnight successes" you read about in the fields of acting and music - but then you learn they were on the small stage circuit for decades.
Well, my achievements aren't quite that large but I will be teaching a course at California State University East Bay - Hayward in their new Arts Administration Certificate program. Check it out!
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Course Description:An overview of the arts industry and its creative, curatorial and commercial sectors including artists and performers, professional artisans, craftspersons, technicians, managers, audience, entrepreneurs, critics, the general culture & society, law & politics, economics & finance, science, technology, and the environment.The basic principles, concepts, processes and practices relating to organizations in the arts industry dynamic including planning, non profit and commercial organizational structures, leadership, fundraising, artistic programming, arts education, advocacy and marketing, will be discussed. Students will know how to:
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The holidays impact in ways you never expect. Since I don't celebrate Christmas and got all my cards and cookie baking out of the way, I thought that I had little stress this holiday season. But for the past three weeks I've been losing all kinds of things. First the iPhone and now I keep leaving the Blackberry places, as well as my sunglasses.
My hairdresser, Kathy, made an observation - I'm lacking focus. I thought about this and realized that I'm highly distracted. Yes, the spider bite does cause some distractions but it is more than that. It is being away from the UK and my former family - as well as being so far from my siblings and folks in the US. Yes, I have so many wonderful, amazing family and friends out here in the Bay Area, but Christmas and New Year's were something special to celebrate with my former in-laws. Gosh, divorce impacts you in so many ways, for so long. You may be letting go of something or someone that doesn't "work" but you also let go of relationships that do work when you end a marriage.
Today, when I was in a colleague's office, I noticed a watercolor painting of Edinburgh on his bookshelf. We talked about how beautiful the city is and the fun of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It brought warmth to my heart remembering all those special times I was there. At least I my heart is open and I can celebrate the love that was there for me.
Earlier today I was on a conference call with Martin, Leah and another colleague Lois. Leah and I were skyping from our Oakland homes while Martin and Lois were in London. How wonderful that we keep these long-distance connections and continue to collaborate.
So, although I may not be physically in the UK, I am at least there virtually.
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