To Have Without Holding

As Valentine's Day approaches I am practicing letting go. Dating is so very hard and your mind gets all wrapped up in what could be, should be, won't be "mode". So much imaging and with it so much disappointment. Reality check, please.

Tonight in yoga class we practiced strength. It felt so good to be strong and flexible. At the close our teacher read us this poem by Marge Piercy. Even before she read it I was thinking about how important it is to let go in love.

To Have Without Holding
By Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can’t do it, you say it’s killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor’s button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

The final lines speak to me "and not to hold, to love with minimized malice, hunger and anger moment by moment balanced." Creating all these scenarios in your head is an uncomfortable mix of malice, hunger and anger. Letting go, like a tightened muscle, is such a relief. Holding a space for possibility without filling it with stories is so much healthier - easier said then done.

I Peep You

Featured Recipe - PEEPS® "I Luv U" Cake
 

Directions:
1. Prepare cake mixes according to package directions and combine batter.
2. Fill a 4" mini heart-shaped cake pan 3/4 full with batter. Fill two 8" round cake pans 3/4 full with batter. Discard any remaining batter.
3. Bake cakes according to package directions, or until toothpick comes out clean, and let cool.
4. Cut a thin slice off the top of each cake to make them level.
5. Place one round cake on a plate or cake stand and top with vanilla frosting. Place the second round cake on top of frosting. Frost entire cake with vanilla frosting.
6. Mix red food coloring with remaining vanilla frosting to make a desired shade of pink.
7. Frost heart-shaped cake with pink frosting and place on top of round cakes.
8. Press PEEPS® Marshmallow "I Luv U" shapes firmly into frosting around outside of round cakes. Place a PEEPS® Strawberry Crème Flavored Marshmallow Heart standing up on top of the heart-shaped cake.
9. If desired, pipe red decorating icing around the base of the heart-shaped cake and garnish top of round cakes with sliced strawberries.
Makes:
12-15 servings
Warning: Pans removed from oven will be extremely hot. Please use heat resistant oven mitts. Parental supervision is advised.

Smashing Pumpkins Go Through the Roof

We're not too old to rock out once in a while. Last night Stephen and I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins perform at the O2 Arena. It was my Valentine's Day gift. What a fantastic night! The heavy guitar and drums awakened my sleeping heart which has been dulled by life in London. This American band rocked! So nice that we Americans can show the English a good time.

However, I will admit that I'm too out of the rock scene enough not to know that this band has been around since the 1980s. I thought they were more recent. Here's what Wikipedia says - you really have to know your music genres to translate this..."Disavowing the punk rock roots shared by many of their alt-rock contemporaries, the Pumpkins have a diverse, densely layered, and guitar-heavy sound, containing elements of gothic rock, heavy metal, dream pop, psychedelic rock, progressive rock, shoegazer-style production and, in later recordings, electronica."

What the heck is a shoegazer?

The other good news was that our seats were nearly at the top of the stadium but I was able to enjoy the show despite the height. It took me a bit of time to work my way up to our seats but I was well supported by the usher and Stephen - both of whom encouraged me to take my time. The secret was not looking up at the roof which was oh-so-close. Having the heavy rock beat was an added benefit to staying focused on the fun and not obsessing on my fear. So, I think I've made a huge step.

As you can see the O2 looks like a giant circus tent. Besides hosting a rock concert of 20,000 last night there was also a movie theatre, an ice skating rink, another performance venue and numerous restaurants and shops.