November 12, 2010

Stopped Dragging My Heart Around

While driving home to Oakland from my school in Sunnyvale this past Wednesday I had a moment of panic. It was a familiar feeling that I haven't had in over two years - one of anxiety. It felt like I couldn't stay on the road and I was going to crash. Thankfully, the feeling passed after a minute. What I was left with was the sense of having some kind of premonition - not something I can describe but my intuition was pulsating.

That night I had interesting dreams, as I always due, however, one dream woke me up at 3:48am and I felt literally awakened - like coming out of a cloud. Suddenly a sadness I had been carrying with me for a while had clarity - no longer was it a feeling but rather logic. It was like my mind opened up and I could see the big picture. Since that awakening, I have felt so much happier, relaxed, certain, confident, and people having been saying that I am beautiful.

Ultimately, I realized that I attach my heart to people who are so needy and then I get hurt because it is not me who they need. Actually, having my heart open and sensitive in that way is more than hurtful when these people are unavailable - it is like dragging my heart around behind a crazy motorcycle or a drunken sailor. The clarity I am experiencing is having broken away from some of these relationships. Now my heart is nestled in me and not extended to hurtful people. Perhaps this is love and compassion for me.