December 24, 2009

Seeing Clearer, Healings Wounds, Earning Wings

Have you ever woken up in the morning and suddenly you are seeing things differently? That's how I feel this morning. I finally got out of bed, after daydreaming for hours, and my room seemed bigger, the sun brighter and my thoughts clearer. I think this was influenced by the book I read yesterday, "The Last Chinese Chef" by Nicole Mones, the author of "Lost in Translation" which is next on my reading list.

Her book is about a woman, widowed at 40, who travels to China for both work and to settle a personal matter relating to her husband's passing. Through her journey she learns to forgive, let-go and love again. It touched me as I can relate to her situation. Although I am not a widow, the closure of relationships are like letting go of someone who was once close to your heart, but now lost, almost like a death.

This morning I woke up and I felt healed, like my heart was mended so much more. I think this emerging euphoria is coupled with the diminishing spider bite on my face. What a relief to look in the mirror and see me again, instead of a blotchy red face.

Actually, I've been reflecting on this year and how physical it has been for me. For so long I was living in an intellectual space - up in my head. This year I have had so many physical...I'm not sure what to call them...challenges? Opportunities? Wounds? Scabs? Healing? Lots of yoga and then a shoulder injury that has just started healing, my bike wipe-out early in the summer and then a second wipe-out late in the summer. The intense, fast and fleeting relationship I had between the two bike wipe-outs.

I labeled this the year of Research and Development and it has been. I've learned how to fall, get up again, scrape off my bumps and bruises, bandage the cuts, and try again. Necessary scabs and scars have formed on my 40-year-old body that was far too soft and vulnerable for so long. No, I'm not jaded, I'm stronger because of it.

Ironically, the jeans I was wearing in the early summer wipe-out, which were ripped at the knee and symbolized so much, are being repaired today. They fit so wonderfully and I missed wearing them. Yesterday, I bought a patch and brought the jeans to a seamstress in my neighborhood. There were two patches I found that could fit the hole - one said, Vampire and the other Angel. I purchased Angel. When I brought the jeans and the patch to the seamstress she said, "I can repair these back to 80% new, return the patch, you don't need it." I said that I would wait to see how the jeans looked repaired and then decide if Angel should be returned.

This brings me to another thought from yesterday. I sent a brief email greeting to Stephen and he sent one in return, while he he was riding on the train up to Edinburgh. In response I wrote to look out for my favorite statue, the Angel of the North, which is along the train route north from Kings Cross to Edinburgh. He didn't respond, I didn't expect that he would.

This Angel flies on her own, she has earned her wings.